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23 December 2011 @ 11:45 pm
HO, HO, HO, what have we here? A NEW CULLEN THE KETTLE BLACK?! Santa, you SHOULDN'T have!

Tonight we're gunna party like it's an educated guess somewhere between 6 and 4 BC. Give or take a century. We present our picks of the first of what we hope to become annual Twilight Kinkfest!

What Forever Means by rmhale
WARNING: condomless, godless, senseless, AIDS-less buttsexing
Jas!hole x Pe!tard

When one-eye meets brown-eye, worlds collide.

Prompt: "Barebacking. Slash only. What I'd like is a marathon fuck fest of bareback sex. I'm not at all opposed to romance being included, but more than anything, I want to see Guy A desperate to fill Guy B up until he is an exhausted, fucked-out, filthy mess, and Guy B is loving every minute of it."

Communal Living by PolkaDotMama: Chaps. 1 & 2
WARNING: self righteous, self sexualizing philosophy and gender studies double majors playing house in the woods
v.card!ward x Jas!hole x Dr.Dad!Carlyle x Omelet

Young, virginal Edward Masen is confused. He likes dick, he liked pussy at one point, but can't decide if it is okay to like both at the same time. He has just received his golden ticket to the gates of Lambda Gardens, a safe, judgement free space for rapists and sexual bullies masquerading as hippies. Now Edward spends his days toiling away with sweaty, fuzzy lesbians fixing cars and knitting tree-trade, locally grown leg hair beer koozies. At night, the gut butcher minces over to make poundcake while the manhole inspector digs ditches in the backyard.

Prompt: "Jasper can't take Edward's sexual frustration any longer. He takes matters into his own hands and decides to relieve Edward of his virginity... he didn't expect Emmett and Carlisle to participate too. they each take a turn with him, bet he gets his back when one (or all) of them become his bottom. First time, toy play, rimming, felching, snowballing, withholding orgasm."
Current Mood: blankblank
03 November 2011 @ 01:26 pm
Explore the chilling legend of pain and anguish as your ears succumb to the petrifying tales of
CULLEN THE KETTLE BLACK - the Halloween Edition!

Current Mood: accomplished
07 October 2011 @ 08:05 am
HOT, HAWT, HAUTE! A New CULLEN THE KETTLE BLACK has arrived. Twi yourself to sleep to the dulcet tone of our voices.

Features the ending of "Uncontrolled Frustration" by reading is my addiction and our pick for the SlashBackSlash 3.0 competition.

Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 5-7
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurl/comfort, soothing back rubs, blazing bottoms, disregard for the fifth commandment
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward

Emmett has received his punishment and now it is Edward's turn. Daddy bear Carlisle is displeased by Bitter Betty Edward's 'tude and serves up a full-service, erotically humiliating cuddle rape 'n run.

I Found Love Akon 22 by LovelyBeba
WARNING: RYOKOOOOOOOO, SUP'A KAWAII, way over prices, slutty raver vogue
Jacob!chan x Sam!sama
**our selection for WINNER of the SlashBackSlash 3.0 Contest**

NANI?!!1?? During their annual trip to Project Akon, Jacob finds love in the deep chocolate and chisel of a mysterious masked J-Rocker.
16 September 2011 @ 12:36 am
The long awaited return of CULLEN THE KETTLE BLACK has finally arrived!

For those of you who have never heard of us before, we are an MST-style podcast for erotic Twilight fanfics.

Oh holiest of miracles. We truly are blessed to present to you "Uncontrolled Frustration" chapters 1-4 with the added bonus of round-table twilight musings.

Uncontrolled Frustration: Chaps. 1-4
WARNING: slash, incestrophelia, corporal punishment, familial hurt/comfort, soothing back rubs
Daddy!Carlisle x ED!Bitchward x PowerBottom!Emmett x Ineffectual!Jas!hole

E.D.ward strikes again. Having fought with Bella about her relationship with sistie/bestie Jacob Black, Edward returns home shamefully aroused and spoiling for a good man wrestle. Provoked by Emmett into a quick game of sword-crossing tickle-fight the boys are soon discovered by Carlisle. What comes next is a incesterbation spank-a-thon leaving readers with a confused and uncomfortable feeling similar to when you happen to sit in the one inexplicably hot subway seat next to your
creepy uncle who then begins to stroke your knee lovingly, if somewhat roughly.

Current Mood: chipperchipper
Current Music: crappy housewife
15 August 2011 @ 02:21 pm

The vampirebigbang needs more artists and mixers!
Some of the fandoms are: Supernatural, Twilight, Bandom RPF, Orginial, and more!

If you are an artist or mixer please consider claming one of this years story.
Click on the banner to see the stories still available.
26 June 2011 @ 09:56 pm
Prompt: Edward/Carlisle; Edward proposes to Carlisle
Author: wanderlustlover
Recipient: idylchild
Summary: A request for for E/C from "Let's Get Gay Married!" comment fic meme
Spoilers: None really. Could fit in LP or BB or anything Not!Canon.
Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Edward belongs to me. Because I have far more mercy on him (and those he loves) than she ever did.

Edward proposes to CarlisleCollapse )
Title: i need your grace, to remind me, to find my own
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Carlisle
Rating: Smutty
Spoilers: None, Edward's Rebellion Years?
Summary: This is set in the 1930's, during the year Edward returns to the Cullens.

Title: she walks the thin line between the body and the soul
Characters/Pairing: Esme/Carlisle, Edward/Carlisle, leaning into Esme/Carlisle/Edward
Rating: General
Spoilers: None, Rebellion Years
Summary: Esme has been doing some thinking about why Edward left and how her husband was during his absence, and here's another AU of what could have happened in 1931.

Title: 2006; I look for you to light my heart
Characters/Pairing: Esme/Carlisle referencing Edward/Carlisle
Rating: General
Spoilers: None, post New Moon
Summary: Set somewhere in the cool down period after Bell and Edward return from Volterra.

Title: 2006; if i am hardened no fear of further abandonment
Characters/Pairing: Edward & Carlisle, reflecting on Jacob/Bella
Rating: General
Spoilers: somewhere in Eclipse
Summary: This one is only subtly Carlisle/Edward, because my writing buddy and I could not help but agree Jacob's appearance in Bella's life would ring straight back to Esme appearance in their lives originally, misplacing him.

Title: 2007; insignificantly we both have significant others
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Bella, Esme/Carlisle, Edward/Carlisle
Rating: General
Spoilers: Post-Breaking Dawn
Summary: Somethings never change, even when everything else does. (Probably one of my favorite tiny pieces ever.)

Title: Not Again, Not Completely
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Carlisle (with references to Esme/Carlisle, Edward/Bella)
Rating: Dark. Angsty. Hot. Repeat
Spoilers: New moon times
Summary: A possible Milliways New Moon Month & Half AU. Edward didn't expect Milliways to bring Carlisle to him, he's certainly didn't expect Carlisle not to leave. What happened because of it.

Title: Brownstone Boys
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Carlisle
Rating: Faintly smutty
Spoilers: None really
Summary: I don't remember if this was a historical background piece or part of lifetimeprelude but it's really just a tiny drabble outtake that got written for Steph.

Title: Most of His Dear Eternity
Characters/Pairing: Edward/Carlisle (with references to Esme/Carlisle and very early Bella/Edward)
Rating: Faintly smutty
Spoilers: None, early Twilight?
Summary: So, so AU. And a Milliways fic. The things I do for Stephanie. This far background premise to this one was that a minor goddess granted Carlisle telepathy for a day or two.

Title: 1931, dimmed eyes gave bliss & but lightly
Characters/Pairing: Esme & Edward, with a ton Edward/Carlisle UST
Rating: General, a little snarling
Spoilers: Post Edward's Rebellion Years
Summary: Some snippets of settling in.
24 March 2011 @ 01:00 am
Title: What Happened When Edward Left


Characters: Carlisle / Edward

Contains violence.  Definitely NOT canon!!!

Edward has left Carlisle.  Will another arrive to take his place?


Read more...Collapse )
02 January 2011 @ 07:44 pm
Title: Firelight
Author: vampireisthenewblack
Paring: Edward/Carlisle
Rating: NC-17
Summary: The best traditions start with a memorable experience. I'd been a vampire only half a year when it happened, and I thought it would be just us, forever. Sometimes things don't turn out the way we expect. Canon.

A pre-Esme christmas one-shot. On FanFiction.net and TwiWrite.